Lily's Chinese again! Best takeout on the West Side!

STOP PUTTING YOUR POLITICAL MESSAGES ON MY MONEY! It really pisses off the money counting machines.

Have i mentioned lately my life is a sitcom?!

Scruff McGruff Chicago Illinois 60652!

Ok, I admit it. Green Apple Rockstar is Awesome.

The bike is in the shop... now I limp home.

The bike is in the shop... now I limp home.

Just got brain freeze from a glass of grape Juice!

Have a great 4th! Enjoy your Independence while it lasts! The Democrats are in charge!

The movie Dark Shadows is remarkably good for being a knock off.

I am the first to admit i make mistakes, but it is rarely out of carelessness, mostly because i feel hurried. Or harried.

Why does "teamwork" mean "Derek does all the work and everyone else goofs off"?

Well, pickle me liver and call me Homer...

"Wolverines!" ... I officially get it now.

... Apparently "Cleveland Rocks" ...

The Thing "So even when we win we lose."
Spiderman "And that, ladies and gentlemen, is exactly how it feels to be me... EVERY day of the week."

How do you decide what you want to be when you grow up?

Steak flavored potato chips.. delicious steak flavored potato chips... what will they think of next?

Just realized my bed is not in use for 2 periods each day between the hours of 6 & 9.

I'm between jobs right now!

i walked passed the kitchen to see my oldest standing there, reading the directions on the back of an empty pancake mix box. Alex, the kid who reads anything.

Just watched Rio. Now i miss Sammy and Mikey again. I miss my birds, but I don't know that i would have been able to take care of them properly.

The boys are acting out a rivalry game between Michigan and Ohio State. Interestingly, when missiles got involved Russia ended up winning.

If your world's got somethin' missin'... put a girl in it!

Purple Man IS Brett Spiner. Weyoun IS The Leader.

I believe that you have the right to believe whatever you want to believe as long as you understand that my right is to believe you are wrong.

People who throw lit cigarettes out of car windows should be shot!

Me: Who died? Coworker: Nobody. Me: I find that hard to bereave. Coworker: Why? Me: ::crickets::

I am good at what I do. I end up doing what I am good at.

It would appear to be Friday... who knew!?

Every single 1 of my presets is on commercial... what do I do now!?

People really suck at driving in the rain

Slight name correction because apparently I can't spell my own daughters name: Cecily Claire

5cm dialated, in delivery room. Further information as available.

Contractions...

Just thinking... but i know more 'Jessica's than any other name by a VERY wide margin. David is next.

My oldest just gave me a (correct) technical description of how and why we vomit... i am having a hard time deciding if i am proud or disgusted...

Listen to the opening parts of all summer long and werewolf of London and get back to me.

Please note the shoes you wear are a lifestyle choice. Like smoking and drinking and drugs, you do not get to complain about the results of your choices.

Ben: "I'm hungry like a bear. But bears don't go to school or go to heaven, they're too wild."

Yes, I am just as judgmental as the next guy. But I promise, i only judge you on your actions. If you act like and idiot, you make my idiot list for life. FYI.

I HAVE to go to bed no earlier than 3 AM for the next 3 days in order to be ready for my new shift on Monday.

Plain Idiocy: Man- We've had less than 50 presidents. I guarantee you they haven't been from every state.
Woman- Like Hawaii, cause they've all been white.

I am having mixed feelings about no longer being a Home Depot employee.

Idiot translator: c'n-ella-bub = Candelabra Bulb.

Agua del gato... that is all.

So I put my contacts in for the first time this week and I have to say it's extremely disorienting to be able to see the entire street.

There is a leak in my basement walls. But not just any wall. This leak is in one of the two walls waterproofed by the previous owner. Yeah. Not waterproof.

Now accepting prayers for a monetary windfall of roughly the equivalent of a hernia surgery and a childbirth.

Did I mention that the unemployment agency decided I had been wrongfully terminated? Yes, self-esteem is improved.

Today, Ben pointed at one of the two fruit bowls on the breakfast table and said, "Daddy, there are zero apples in Alex's bowl!" He is using his number words!